The Monster MASH Read online

  Contents

  Preface

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Also by Angie Fox

  About the Author

  Praise for The Monster Mash series

  5 Stars! “Yet another Angie Fox book that is impossible to put down.”

  5 Stars! “This was a cross between MASH and a grown up, sexy version of a Percy Jackson novel—lots of fun and a highly recommended read!”

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  5 Stars! “Can I give it 10 stars? This reminded me of the MASH TV shows that I watched growing up, only better.”

  * * *

  5 Stars! “Read this one fast only if you can afford the rest of the series, because you ARE going to want to read on.”

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  5 Stars! “Angie's humor is perfectly on par with MaryJanice Davidson's Undead Series, so if you have enjoyed those then you will love this.”

  The Monster Mash

  Angie Fox

  The day I was drafted into the army of the gods, all I knew about being a MASH surgeon was what I’d learned from Hawkeye Pierce and Hot Lips Houlihan. Now here I am, Dr. Petra Robichaud, in the middle of an immortal war, assigned to a MASH camp with a nosy sphinx, a vegetarian werewolf, and an uptight vampire who really needs to get a life.

  * * *

  At least they’re all too busy with their own dramas to discover my secret: I can see the dead. It’s a forbidden gift, one that can get me killed, so I haven’t told a soul.

  * * *

  Until the arrestingly intense Galen arrives on my operating table, half-dead and totally to-die-for. When his spirit tries to slip out of his fatally wounded body, I impulsively slip it back in. Call it a rash resurrection. One I’ll live to regret.

  * * *

  Now Commander Galen of Delphi knows my secret, and he’s convinced I’m part of an ancient prophecy—one that can end the war for good. But taking a chance could cost me everything. And it would be easier to convince him to leave me alone, except now the prophecies are starting to come true…

  Warning: This novel contains a hefty dose of danger, drama, practical jokes, pet swamp lizards, brooding demigods, adventure, romance, and heart—in a MASH camp where everybody knows your business.

  Chapter One

  Attention all surgical personnel. Attention. Incoming wounded arriving on chopper pad two. Come and get yours while they’re fresh.

  Also, tonight’s movie is the documentary, Clash of the Titans.

  And will whoever released a kraken in the officers’ showers please report to Colonel Kosta’s office on the double.

  I couldn’t help but grin. Little did they know a few of the girls and I had relocated the kraken to the men’s john. It hadn’t been easy. But it’d been worth it.

  Back to work. I adjusted my plastic surgical goggles and took a look at the immense demigod on my operating table. “Stick with me and you’ll be out of here in time to see that movie.”

  The soldier tried to smile. “Gotcha, Doc.” He still wore his rusty red combat boots and the remains of his army fatigues around his ankles. Ripped abs, built chest, powerhouse arms—he definitely had the body of a half-god.

  And X-ray vision, given the way he was ogling my chest. “Eyes up here, soldier. I have a tray of scalpels, and I’m not afraid to use them.”

  A tech rushed behind me with half a dozen fresh units of blood. “Coming through!”

  We’d squeezed two extra tables into the operating tent last week, and I wasn’t sure if it was hurting or helping. One thing was certain—the noise level had gone from a large racket to a small riot.

  My nurse tucked a surgical blanket over my patient’s lower body while I took a look at a nasty slice on his side.

  “Yeti claw to the torso,” I said as if it weren’t obvious from the swarthy black spike jutting from between his ninth and tenth ribs.

  “And I lost something,” my patient said, dropping his chin. His tousled golden hair parted to reveal a pair of thick devil horns. Make that one devil horn. The other had popped off, the wound completely healed. It was one of the things about divine warriors that drove me slightly crazy. They healed so fast, their bodies sometimes forgot parts. I swear some of these guys would lose their heads if they weren’t attached.

  “Do you know where you left your horn?” I asked, testing the wound beneath my gloved fingers and fighting the urge to lecture him about absent body parts.

  The side of his mouth tipped up, and there was no mistaking the gleam in his eyes. “I think I had it when I got here.”

  I remembered him. This was the one who had us searching half the camp for his missing eyeball. He thought it’d be funny to put it in someone’s soup. Har-de-har-har. Served him right when a selkie ate it.

  Of course, three days later he got it back.

  Everybody was a comedian. And people like me had to deal with it.

  “Horace,” I called across the crowded operating room to the nearest orderly.

  Horace zipped to my side and hovered just above eye level. Golden wings fluttered on his heels and at his shoulders. “Yes, Petra.”

  I ticked my chin up a notch. “That’s Dr. Robichaud,” I reminded him. Again.

  “No.” The attendant’s eyebrows spiked toward his overly large surgical cap. “I do not speak Cajun.”

  “Well, learn.” It wasn’t my fault if some of the old-world creatures had a chip on their shoulder against mortals.

  Just because we hadn’t hung around for thousands of years, guzzling wine and smiting our enemies, didn’t make us second-class citizens. And if they wanted us to go back to worshipping them, they could forget it.

  Times had changed, and if I had to learn to live in this place, Horace could figure out how to play nice with a lovely person such as myself. “See if you can’t find a horn floating around here. About two inches wide, three inches long. Red.”

  “Actually”—the demigod on the table leaned his head forward—“it’s more of a garnet.”

  Like anyone around here would know the difference. “Red,” I repeated. “With a little curve on it.”

  Horace raced off, and I leveled a stern look at my patient. “I’d better not find it in my Spam carbonara, or I’m going to reattach it to a place that doesn’t see the suns.”

  Although frankly, I didn’t think anything could make that night’s dinner worse.

  A cold hand touched my arm, and dread slithered down my spine.

  Not him. Not now.

  “You need help here, Doctor?”

  I braced myself as the watery voice seeped over me. The air temperature dropped, and I saw my patient shiver.

  Ghostly fingers tightened on my arm. “Doctor?”

  I took a deep breath and glanced to my right. It was Charlie, the nurse I worked with for the first six years I’d been down here since getting drafted. He had been killed last year before HQ had wised up and moved us another half mile from the front.

  Charlie looked like a teenager, too skinny for his rusty red army scrubs. His mousy brown hair was scra
ggly at the ends, and he wore an earnest expression.

  He didn’t know he was dead. And I sure as heck didn’t need anyone seeing me talking to thin air. “Go, Charlie,” I murmured. “I’ve got this.”

  My patient’s eyes clouded with confusion. “My name’s not Charlie.”

  “Of course it’s not,” I said as if this were a normal conversation.

  Charlie usually wandered the minefield—a place I liked to avoid. I hadn’t seen him in the OR in a while.

  The soldier flinched as Charlie took his vitals. He couldn’t see my former assistant’s ghostly stethoscope or sure hands, but I’d bet anything he felt the chill.

  My heart squeezed with regret. Charlie had a mom and a dad. He’d been so very young. I’d tried to explain to him that he was dead, but he hadn’t been willing to accept it. We’d try again later. Alone.

  Charlie’s milky eyes caught mine. “Dr. Robichaud?” I knew that sad, hopeful look. The kid needed a little reassurance, a comfortable word—heck, even a joke. Charlie had been assigned to me straight out of nursing school. I’d laughed and called him my young squire. He was my responsibility.

  I looked straight through him. It cut me deep to do it, but I couldn’t risk being exposed. Not here. My power to see the dead, to talk to them, was outlawed by the gods. And the gods had a thing for strange and horrific punishments. It was like a divine version of The Godfather.

  Only these sicko bosses turned women into spiders and fastened “friends” to burning wheels for eternity. Oh, and tied one of their own to some far-flung rock so he could have his liver pecked out by an eagle until the end of time.

  No thanks.

  My patient studied me. “You with me, Doc?”

  Of course. “Yes.”

  The tightness in my chest eased as Charlie faded away.

  The demigod cocked his head, blond hair spilling over the spot where his horn should have been. “Your face looks funny. And I’ve been staring at your rack for the last two minutes and my balls are still intact. What gives?”

  I reached for the Betadine, breathing in the familiar sweet scent. “That’s it,” I said, swabbing his chest with the amber liquid, careful of the yeti claw. “I’m going to quit surgery and dedicate my life to discovering an anesthetic that works on you people.”

  “You know you can’t quit,” he said, teasing, but hitting way too close to the truth.

  I was stuck here for the rest of my life. I knew it the day I’d sat in my little paranormal clinic in New Orleans and opened the New God Army draft notice.

  Involuntary conscription until the end of the war.

  Which for me was a life sentence.

  The younger gods had declared war against the older gods. Again. Neither side had so much as called for a cease-fire in the last seven hundred years.

  Both armies were allowed to recruit anywhere on Earth. And I use the term recruit lightly. It was more like a shanghaiing. A rep from the young gods had spotted me first. Army officials had given me one hour to close my practice and say my goodbyes. There would be no home leave, no return.

  My dad couldn’t even see me off as they led me out into the depths of the bayou to a portal that hung like a misty cloud amid a tangle of cypress trees. Before I could say bad idea, I was in the red, flat wastelands of Limbo.

  I snuck a glance across the crowded operating room, with a dozen tables like mine.

  We worked to save as many lives as we could. And to get the soldiers back onto the battlefield. If the armies of the gods were evenly matched, they’d kill each other, which was bad enough. If one side got the upper hand, it meant earthquakes, tsunamis, disasters of biblical proportions on Earth.

  I’d seen it firsthand.

  And lately, we’d lost more than we’d won.

  The powers were evenly matched for the most part, but the new god leaders tended to be more impulsive, which put us at a disadvantage more often than not.

  So I’d stay here. I’d patch up our people and get them back to the Limbo front. We’d try to keep the terror on Earth at bay, and maybe, just maybe, someday there’d be an end to the fighting.

  Until then, we had to hang on.

  I reached down to make sure the claw hadn’t worked its way too far out of my patient’s chest. Immortals could die. That was the big secret they liked to keep from the mortal world. The yeti claw had missed his vital organs. It wouldn’t kill him, but I didn’t want it healing wrong. I tested the edge, careful not to cut myself.

  Yeti infection was bad for immortals. It could be deadly for me.

  “You know I got into medicine to make a difference,” I caught myself mumbling.

  I wanted to help people who didn’t voluntarily mix up their vital parts. Creatures with real problems who couldn’t go to human hospitals. I’d been one of the last paranormal surgeons in Orleans Parish. And the only one who specialized in thoracic medicine.

  I glanced at Nurse Hume, who was swathed in scrubs and a surgical mask. He looked like a child next to these immortals. We all did.

  “Brace yourself,” I told my patient.

  I clamped the skin back. Blood smeared my surgical gloves as I manually retracted the spikes from the surrounding muscle tissue. “I’m going to remove it on the count of three.” I flicked my eyes up and found him watching me. “One.” My fingers tightened. “Two…”

  In one quick motion, I made the extraction.

  “Alala!” My patient bellowed the Athenian war cry.

  And why not? We fought the war in the operating room as sure as they fought it on the battlefield.

  I tossed the claw into the metal pan. “It’s easier on you if you don’t stiffen up.”

  He flopped his head back on the table. “You MASH docs always go on two.”

  I shook my head as I inspected the wound for splinters. “Merde. I hate being predictable.”

  The wound was clean, and healing even as I stitched it up.

  I tugged off my gloves and tossed them into the biowaste can.

  My dad had worked a factory job all his life. He’d spent forty-three years shaving the sharp edges off Folgers coffee cans. He called it good, steady work. And he kept on doing it until plastic containers came along and they forced him to retire. I never understood how he could do the same thing day after day.

  He worked long hours to put me through school because I wanted to be different. I’d be a doctor. I’d change the world.

  Ha.

  If he could see me now…

  I stepped back and accepted a cool towel on the back of my neck. We had the air conditioners going full blast, but the operating tent wasn’t terribly efficient at keeping cold air in.

  “What about my horn?” my patient demanded as Horace fluttered to my side.

  “As soon as we find it, it’s yours,” I said, letting the orderly take him.

  I held my hands out as Nurse Hume scurried to fit me with a new pair of surgical gloves. We took a step sideways as an orderly rushed past my table with four units of blood. “How about a real case next time, Horace?”

  Horace stiffened, his pointy ears twitching. “Protocol dictates—”

  “Screw protocol.”

  His cheeks colored. “Oh please, Dr. Petra. You don’t have the rank or the seniority.”

  I’d been here for seven years, and I was the low man on the totem pole. I’d probably be a newbie until I died. That was what happened when half of the docs were immortal.

  I took stock of the packed OR. “What about the burn victims?” At least two patients had come straight from a greased-lightning attack. From what I’d seen, Colonel Kosta hadn’t called in any of the off-duty surgeons.

  “Taken care of,” Horace singsonged.

  “Just give me something interesting.” Or at least the chance to save somebody. We’d lost three patients today. Maybe they’d have died on my table, too, but I owed it to these soldiers—and myself—to try to make a difference.

  “Perhaps if you showed me the respect I’m d
ue,” the winged god began, “I could find it in my heart to…”

  Oh please. Horace had been worshipped once for about five minutes. His cult had died out around the time of Caesar. He’d been trying to get something going ever since.

  But I knew I’d get better results with honey. “See what you can do,” I told him. “In the meantime, I’ll leave an offering at your altar.”

  The orderly huffed, but I saw him perk up a bit.

  “You do still have an altar?” I said.

  “Yes.” He flew a few inches higher. “What will you leave me?”

  “Er…” I had to think. “Flowers?”

  He looked rather put out at that. “I am the god of three-wheeled chariot racing.”

  “I don’t have any chariots.”

  “You’re as funny as a bad rash. Enough of the games. I like copper.” He squared his shoulders. “You have three pennies in the bottom of your footlocker.”

  “Fine.” And interesting to know. Perhaps the little god had some power in him after all.

  He sniffed as if he knew what I was thinking. “Make sure they’re neatly stacked.”

  “Done,” I said.

  “All right. Perhaps I will help you, Petra,” he said, wheeling away my patient. “Although I must say your entire style of worship leaves something to be desired.”

  I didn’t doubt that. This place was killing me.